Always a Bridesmaid? It Gets Expensive

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My husband and I did not have a destination wedding but nonetheless, a large number of family members had to travel from afar as we are transplants from the Midwest living in the Washington, DC area. We specifically requested no gifts, hired buses to transport our guests so they did not need to pay for rental cars, selected a hotel that included full cooked breakfast every day, and subsidized the hotel costs by 50% for all guests with children. We also had events throughout the whole weekend to make it worth their while. Even so, I still believe that it was a burden on our guests to attend our wedding and to this day am grateful so many attended. As part of our thank you notes, we sent black and white candids of our guests (not ourselves). Had we not been able to afford doing these things, we would have opted for holding the wedding in a location in the Midwest, which would have been more convenient for our guests.

Moira of VA 2:26AM September 20, 2008

At one point, I was in 4 weddings over the course of a year - grand total about $10,000. Flights, hotels, gifts, you name it. Yes, you do these things for your friends because you love them, but there should be limits.
Two friends flat out refused wedding gifts from their bridal party. One friend who married abroad, as she lives there (I did not go, because as one of her closet friends, she decided that we'd have less time to spend together so it was a pointless expense), she put on her invitation - "Your presence is gift enough, please, no gifts." Then again, I bailed on another friends wedding, cross country, simply because she asked me if people would cheap out on her gifts because they had to fly so far - I was so mad at her arrogance that it permanently altered our friendship.
The one thing about all these dresses and expenses (I've only kept one dress, of course, jcrew) that really picked me up was this: check out your local area to see if they do a prom dress drive for girls whose families don't have enough money for the drama that has become prom in this country. Here, you donate, they dry clean them and provide free alterations and accessories for the girls. Dropping off three dresses for which I paid over $1000 (before alterations) and knowing they were going to a good cause really made me smile. Now when the brides suggest those dresses were somehow reusable, I just smile and tell them that I donated them to a better cause.

Andrea of MA 11:24AM September 05, 2008

THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS, YOU HAVE THE OPTION OF DECLINING AND MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR YOURSELF TO SPEND MORE ON SHOWER AND WEDDING PRESENTS. NOT TO MENTION A SHOWER YOU MAY HONOR HER WITH.

Marty of KS 8:55AM September 05, 2008

Skip having bridesmaids and groomsmen altogether! That's what we did-and our friends thanked us!

Melinda Manning of NC 4:53PM September 04, 2008

This has been my year of weddings: 5 in total...I've attended 4 thus far, been the maid of honor in one and a bridesmaid in another. I've got one more next month-I'm the maid of honor in that one as well. All five weddings required travel and overnight stays--Hawaii, Florida, NJ.
Over the course of 10 months, I've managed to go through my entire savings--pushing back my plans of moving into a new place for at least another year or so. On top of the dresses, shoes, hair, gifts, showers, etc. There is the airfare, hotel, expenses during the wedding weekend/week (Hawaii was a 7 day "vacation").
I love my friends--so I do it (again and again). However, I will admit is a little disheartening as I'm not currently in a committed relationship and therefor don't foresee the "favor" being returned anytime soon.
Maybe when I buy my own place I'll create a house-warming registry...

of NY 4:24PM September 04, 2008

When our daughter first started learning to talk, the first word we taught her was "elope".

Chuck of OR 2:39PM September 04, 2008

I love these ideas! For the wedding I'm going to next week (where I'm a bridesmaid), I'm lucky that the bride picked out a dress that I really like and can actually see myself wearing again (it's from j crew). Plus, she was in my wedding a few years ago, so I think it's only fair for me to embrace this role, even if it means spending a good chunk of cash.

Kimberly Palmer of 12:33PM September 04, 2008

I knew a couple who stood up to get married in 10 minutes in their little hometown church, right between the benediction of a regular Sunday service and an already-scheduled potluck lunch in the church basement. No hoopla. Absolutely none. And sweet to the core.

of 12:15PM September 04, 2008

Here's one to consider, keep those bridesmaid dresses and your daughters (should you have any) will have a closet of "retro" dresses to choose from for junior/senior proms and other formal events.
My sister turned one of my mom's bridesmaid dresses (which was eggplant purple) into a dress she wore in a theater production, and possibly to another wedding.

Veronica of NY 11:19AM September 04, 2008

Weddings really ARE expensive! Some things I've done in the past to help absorb some of the costs:
Set spending limits for shower and wedding gifts:
$15 for shower
$15 for bachelorette
$30-100 for wedding depending on who it is
When we were married, the gift that my husband and I appreciated most were checks/cash from people--so that is all we will give to others now. I know it seems "boring," but when you are in the couples' place--the money is so helpful.
I insist on doing my own makup even if all the other girls are getting theirs done. I sit in the salon and chat and socialize, but do my own makup.
I don't have to get full mani-pedicures, either. I do my own toes/feet and have a basic manicure for much less than putting on gel or acrylic nails.
Since I know I won't wear the bridesmaid dress ever again, I skimp on getting the dress fitted--I will make sure it stays on me, but I don't have to have it tailored to perfection since it costs much more the more seams need to be re-sewn.
The most difficult part of doing weddings this way is that if your friends do something for you that is not roughly equivalent (such as spending more on you than you did on them), there is a peer pressure to match their generosity. It's hard to brush off the feelings of inadequacy, but at least I'm not the one attending weddings on a credit card! I have a budget to stick to!

Grace of VA 10:29AM September 04, 2008