Your green friends are carefully planning their Halloween costumes (made out of recycled materials, of course), and they'll be showing up to the costume party as Mother Nature, T. Boone Pickens, and Al Gore, while all you can do is roll your eyes. As they plan a green Halloween, you'll want to spoil their eco-minded celebration in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Try these costume suggestions:
- Safari Hunter—Tell environmentalists, "I have a blatant disregard for the well-being of wildlife," with a sexy safari costume, complete with a shotgun and victims. To enhance this costume, take some red paint and apply it to a few stuffed animals to sling over your shoulder or string around your belt. When you talk to people at the costume party, be sure to share your views about how the Bush administration is being a little too generous with the amount of creatures added to the endangered species list.
- Grocery Bag—Who needs reusable grocery bags when the store gives out the plastic and paper ones free? Show environmentalists that their conservation efforts are all for naught by making yourself a grocery bag costume (or "gross-ery" as this child has done—instructions are the same). Cover a box in butcher paper to make your bag, and then fill it with overpackaged food that has traveled halfway across the country to your store—kiwis and triple-plastic-wrapped white bread, along with plenty of bottled water and eggs that aren't free range.
- Sushi—We learned last week that sushi chefs across the country aren't always using sustainable seafood in their ingredients. If you decide to make this California roll costume, be sure to carry your sushi guide with you and point out that you're made of imported king crab.
- Lumberjack—You're a lumberjack, and you don't care about the environmentalists, who will hear about the resources you consume. Be sure to tell them you don't recycle paper, either. Sub out the ax or chain saw for a rifle and earmuffs, and this costume can easily be transformed into aerial wolf hunter.
- Gas Pump—Show those green hippie wusses what America really runs on. Now that the price of gas is lowering, couple your "told you so" smugness with plenty of mentions of your Hummer limo, conveniently idling outside for the duration of the party. Here's a gas pump costume (note: it contains an off-color but safe-for-work joke).
- Steak—Real Americans eat meat, so when you wear this T-bone steak around, be sure to remind all of your vegetarian and flexitarian friends how delicious the taste of grilled, seasoned animal flesh can be, with a cheerful "Enjoy your tofu burgers, suckas!"
- Sarah Palin—One of the most popular costumes of the year, our candidate who said that the cause of climate change "kinda doesn't matter" would kinda be a great costume to irritate your green friends. Get a Sarah Palin mask, and accessorize with shotgun, canned salmon, and dead polar bear stuffed animals.