Green Gift Guide: For Him

THE NOT SO GREEN CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE FOR MEN

1. Any kind of a gun and a case of lead ammunition.

2. 1970’s, two stroke, dirt bike - Known as an “ol’smokey”.

3. Old, mounted animal head, found at a garage sale - Hang it in your garage and use it for a pellet gun target.

4. An old, empty, 55 gallon, toxic waste or oil drum. Always handy to burn your trash in, less trash for the landfills - and, has the added benefit of slowing down that next Ice Age. As an added benefit, it can double as your Bar-B-Q - Just be sure you remove any old tires or plastic you were fixin’ to burn before you start cookin’ - If you don’t, anything you cook comes out tastin’ like a skunk’s stinker.

5. Books on trapping, hunting, fishing, preparing road kill, building a shelter out of small trees, preparing hides, Endangered Species recipes (my favorite, California Condor Crisp), and how to make your own DDT. Might come in real handy during the coming Second Great Depression.

6. Power tools; chain saws, brush cutters, wood chippers, chemical sprayers and a neat new tool - The Rodent Ridder - injects diesel and propane into ground squirrel and gopher tunnels - an acre in one BOOM!

7. Fur coat or cap with the animal’s head still attached - Keeps you warm and makes a nice conversation piece. I’m thinkin’ of makin’ one where the head on the coonskin cap sings the theme to “Davy Crockett” - Kinda’ like the ol’, singing “Billy Bass” - except you’re wearing this one.

8. A subscription to “Guns & Ammo”, “Off Roader” or “Field & Stream”.

9. An N.R.A. membership with your choice of a Charlton Heston or John Wayne calendar or Michael Moron - Easy to Hit -Dart Board.

10. Bumper stickers - my favorites; “Sierra Club Go Hike to Hell”, “Save Babies - Not Condors” , “Environmentalism - The New Paganism” and “Going Green has Gone Too Far”.

What’s under your fresh cut Christmas tree?

R.L. Schaefer of CA 12:32PM December 10, 2008