How to Handle Defensive Coworkers

I'm blessed to work somewhere where every manager on every floor, including the general manager, is super nice.

Kinda nice in this economy, because sometimes, a downturn in the economy can bring out the absolute worst, as people know that there aren't that many jobs out there.

They even bring in an animal shelter to show off some little pups that need to be adopted once a month. We get to take "beagle breaks" and pet the warm and floppy little ears between working with clients.

Attention all managers: Bring some animal shelter cuties in sometime. It'll make your people smile. Big time.

Angie Koutrotsios of IL 9:31PM October 22, 2009

Angie, you're actually exactly right that I did start out by getting really annoyed at work -- it's what motivated me to go in the direction with my career that I did! (I wrote about this a while back, as a matter of fact: http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2008/10/ode-to-bad-managers-of-my-past.html

Alison Green of DC 1:21AM October 21, 2009

I didn't mean to state that because some managers have managed a long time, they are necessarily good managers (there are clearly some bullies out there, indeed), just that among NORMAL people (full-blown personality disorders aside), someone who's done it longer may, in many cases, have passed some sort of test within a well-run company. In well-run companies, bullies don't last, because there's usually some type of rating system in place. Serious weaknesses should come to light over time.

Now, a total jerk (as in a bully) knows how to fly under the radar, and so they're not weeded out by the company culture if it's not a good culture. That could explain an experienced "jerk."

No answer but to try to find a new employer (in a better economy, obviously).

One quick way to turn a negative into a positive, however, is this:

Try to make some money off the bad situation by pitching a first person work experience "aha moment" story idea to a major magazine. They are always running those "How I Survived My Boss From Hell" type features, and you might be the one who gets assigned the article and gets $$$PAID$$$ for it (names changed to protect the not so innocent boss, of course).

I think that's just a deliciously clever way to handle a negative situation, to profit from the experience in some way. Same thing with coworkers (I had someone admit to me, once, that when they asked if someone showed me how to do something, they were told the person didn't have the time to do so, even though it would take a half a minute to say it all, as in they didn't want to help me get up to speed too fast--gee, thanks). So, what you would do in that situation is to pitch a story to, I don't know, maybe some smaller publication that's more open to the occasional new contributor, and you turn it into a "How to Deal With Your She-Devil Coworker and Survive."

You get an expert to give an opinion on what makes such types tick (insecurity, rudeness, whatever it is), and voila!--you have now made yourself not a victim, but an expert at researching just this type of thing. And you maybe got paid a little for your time, too!

Maybe get real snarky and send a copy of the published article, later, and thank the person for being a great bit of inspiration for your piece (OK, I'm kidding).

But that's the proactive way to handle that type of thing. Write a book, write a magazine article about the topic, start your own side business consulting people on workplace stress. Just turn it into a way to make money after the bad experience. The bully or brat got paid for driving you nuts, right? Now you go out and make some money researching and reporting on how NOT to be a lame manager or coworker.

There's some cliche quote about making lemonade from lemons, but I think it's a great idea, actually. ; )

Angie Koutrotsios of IL 6:58PM October 20, 2009

I am currently working with a very defensive manager, like Angie had mentioned, a new Manager who has never managed before.

I do not think this article helps. Although he is defensive, he is extremely intelligent (which is why it is so frustrating). If I were to approach him by buttering him up, I feel like he be more offended then defensive.

What has helped me has been first making sure that we are speaking alone- there are several people in my department so I make sure that we have time alone. I then have never jumped right into what was wrong. The biggest thing you can do is use "I" instead of "You". So instead of "You tend to lie to me about being able to attend meetings." I say, "I feel like sometimes I am isolated from the company because because x,y and z.

If you feel like you're beginning to hit a wall, you can always go to their boss or someone you can trust, and ask to have all three sit down. Clearly this would be the last option, since then there would most likely be a lot of tension.

Rachel of AZ 8:18AM October 20, 2009