How to Handle Defensive Coworkers

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Alison Green said: "Is this a lot to do to accommodate someone? Sure, you could see it that way. . . ."
I usually find that it IS easiest to see things that way - and it is very easy for me to lose respect for the other person. However, as you point out, that is not necessarily the best way to accomplish what you need done. To keep things moving forward, I find it best if I remember a few other things I've learned. First, I have to realize I can not change the other person, but I can change myself. If you can change the other person - you probably wouldn't be reading this column. Second, I have to remember to find things to respect about the other person, and to keep that respect as bedrock to move forward from. You have to have SOMETHING to respect about the other person - or your conversations and negotiations will go nowhere. Maybe you can just convince them you respect them - but that puts you in the same boat as a con man or a used car salesman, right? So, even if it is only 1% of that person that I can respect, I have to keep myself mindful of that. Third, I have to remember what our mutual goals are - whether it is meeting a monthly production goal, or having a productive relationship. I have to remember, and keep in focus for both of us, what our mutual goals or desires are, and how we can mutually achieve them. This does NOT include making them see things "my way". This could be the difficulty for the person who has problems with someone who is "not good at their job". I would say: "Find something to respect about them, and work towards your mutual goals (the job goals)." Of course, the possibility exists that they are NOT good at their job, and a parting of the ways is necessary.

Mark of MA 11:29AM April 19, 2012

I agree with Guest, from CO. I can only be so accommodating. And how am I supposed to make someone feel safe if they're genuinely not good at their job?

Frustrated of CA 3:12PM March 14, 2012

This advice has the flavor of 'blame the victim.' The defensive person has boundary issues and the blameless person who must work with the defensive person is expected to just manage the situation, and be particularly careful to soothe the defensive person in advance. It's just co-dependency. It's 'enabling' the abuser to continue his (or her) abusive behavior, rather than doing the right thing (which I guess would be providing consequences). I wish there were a better answer to this problem than just "try to be more accommodating."

Guest of CO 5:48PM September 14, 2011

and, recognizing that, how do I proceed. I have made some progress, but I am not satisfied yet. What can I do? I'm not being defensive on purpose! I've learned these behaviors from a childhood, then a first marriage, of constant emotional (and later, physical) bullying. And then, of course, I seem to attract the bullying instinct in many of my co-workers (independently verified by witnesses, and not just my own perceptions).
Please recognize that some of us are not being difficult just to be difficult.
Many Thanks, and Bright Blessings!

Mariah Maloy of NC 7:26PM November 13, 2009

I'm blessed to work somewhere where every manager on every floor, including the general manager, is super nice.
Kinda nice in this economy, because sometimes, a downturn in the economy can bring out the absolute worst, as people know that there aren't that many jobs out there.
They even bring in an animal shelter to show off some little pups that need to be adopted once a month. We get to take "beagle breaks" and pet the warm and floppy little ears between working with clients.
Attention all managers: Bring some animal shelter cuties in sometime. It'll make your people smile. Big time.

Angie Koutrotsios of IL 9:31PM October 22, 2009

Re: The post by the writer.
See? I knew it, I just knew it.
Smart people are proactive, so they use adversity by turning it around.
Bravo.
Oprah Winfrey has done this, too. And look at her media empire. LOL
Thanks for the link to the blogspot piece. Love it.

Angie Koutrotsios of IL 9:25PM October 22, 2009

Angie, you're actually exactly right that I did start out by getting really annoyed at work -- it's what motivated me to go in the direction with my career that I did! (I wrote about this a while back, as a matter of fact: http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2008/10/ode-to-bad-managers-of-my-past.html

Alison Green of DC 1:21AM October 21, 2009

I'll bet this person started out by getting really annoyed at work!
"Alison Green is the author of Managing to Change the World: The Nonprofit Leader's Guide to Getting Results. She is chief of staff for the Marijuana Policy Project, a nonprofit lobbying organization, where she oversees day-to-day management of the staff as well as hiring, firing, and staff development. Her writings have been published in the Washington Post, the New York Times, Maxim, and dozens of other newspapers. She blogs at Ask a Manager."
See? Smart cookie. Now, she's an expert!

Angie Koutrotsios of IL 7:06PM October 20, 2009

I didn't mean to state that because some managers have managed a long time, they are necessarily good managers (there are clearly some bullies out there, indeed), just that among NORMAL people (full-blown personality disorders aside), someone who's done it longer may, in many cases, have passed some sort of test within a well-run company. In well-run companies, bullies don't last, because there's usually some type of rating system in place. Serious weaknesses should come to light over time.
Now, a total jerk (as in a bully) knows how to fly under the radar, and so they're not weeded out by the company culture if it's not a good culture. That could explain an experienced "jerk."
No answer but to try to find a new employer (in a better economy, obviously).
One quick way to turn a negative into a positive, however, is this:
Try to make some money off the bad situation by pitching a first person work experience "aha moment" story idea to a major magazine. They are always running those "How I Survived My Boss From Hell" type features, and you might be the one who gets assigned the article and gets $$$PAID$$$ for it (names changed to protect the not so innocent boss, of course).
I think that's just a deliciously clever way to handle a negative situation, to profit from the experience in some way. Same thing with coworkers (I had someone admit to me, once, that when they asked if someone showed me how to do something, they were told the person didn't have the time to do so, even though it would take a half a minute to say it all, as in they didn't want to help me get up to speed too fast--gee, thanks). So, what you would do in that situation is to pitch a story to, I don't know, maybe some smaller publication that's more open to the occasional new contributor, and you turn it into a "How to Deal With Your She-Devil Coworker and Survive."
You get an expert to give an opinion on what makes such types tick (insecurity, rudeness, whatever it is), and voila!--you have now made yourself not a victim, but an expert at researching just this type of thing. And you maybe got paid a little for your time, too!
Maybe get real snarky and send a copy of the published article, later, and thank the person for being a great bit of inspiration for your piece (OK, I'm kidding).
But that's the proactive way to handle that type of thing. Write a book, write a magazine article about the topic, start your own side business consulting people on workplace stress. Just turn it into a way to make money after the bad experience. The bully or brat got paid for driving you nuts, right? Now you go out and make some money researching and reporting on how NOT to be a lame manager or coworker.
There's some cliche quote about making lemonade from lemons, but I think it's a great idea, actually. ; )

Angie Koutrotsios of IL 6:58PM October 20, 2009

It's not "buttering them up" like a couple other commenters said. it's figuring out why they're reacting the way they are and adjusting your approach accordingly.

Rebecca of VA 11:22AM October 20, 2009